


After the Fact

by ebbj9891



Series: In Quest Of Something [76]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Married Life, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Infidelity, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6513841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebbj9891/pseuds/ebbj9891
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty years after the fact, Justin's relationship with Ethan comes back to haunt him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After the Fact

“Jus, can I ask you something?”

The answer is yes, of course. Justin can’t imagine any other answer to give Gus. He loves their talks - he’s only surprised that Gus is asking for permission, for once in his life!

As they set the table for dinner, which will soon be ready for them to share with Brian when he gets home, Justin smiles. He then hands Gus the bottle of wine and happily says, “Sure, Gussy.”

Gus pulls a face for a moment at the nickname, which apparently has become an annoyance now that he’s all grown up. Justin doesn’t care, though. He just grins wickedly at his twenty-two-year-old son, to which Gus huffs and rolls his eyes.

“Um, so…”

As it turns out, Justin’s happiness is doomed to be short lived, for Gus’ question catches him completely off-guard. It’s a question that can lead nowhere good - not where Gus is concerned. As soon as Justin hears the words fall from Gus’ lips, he feels himself falter, and he wishes he could catch himself.

But he can’t.

“What’s it like to have only been with one person?”

In the moments that follow, time staggers, then crawls. Justin doesn’t know what to say. Knowing Gus is noticing his confusion, he panics, and blurts out, “I…”

But that’s all that comes out: one awkward, guilt-ridden letter that says it all. Justin cringes. He is forced to witness Gus’ perception of him change, second by second. First, bewilderment. Then, horror.

When the horror finally passes, Gus slams the bottle of wine down on the table and demands in outrage, “You’ve been with someone else? _Who?”_

Well, shit. Fucking goddamn _shit._

How can he possibly confront this? For the son of Brian Kinney, Gus is alarmingly conventional. The knowledge of their formerly open relationship will crush Gus. As he braces himself for the fallout, Justin’s hands begin to shake. It is then that he remembers the bread basket in his hands. He lets it drop to the dining table and he grabs the back of one of the chairs to steady himself a little.

“Who?” Gus is starting to yell, which makes Justin’s stomach knot. They haven’t fought in years. Relatively speaking, they’ve hardly fought at all. He _hates_ when they do. Even louder this time, Gus cries, “Who were you with?”

“Gus, it’s not what you-”

“Did you cheat on Dad?!”

The thought is so horrifying that Justin almost yells back. It’s on the tip of his tongue to retort, _I would_ **_never._ **

Then he remembers.

Ethan.

He doesn’t say it. He tries not to even think it. Justin fights to hide any visible hint of recollection, but it’s too late. Gus is too sharp. He catches it instantly and runs with it.

“You cheated?! You _cheated?!”_

“Gus, no, I-”

“Don’t lie to me!”

What Justin wants to say is, _I wouldn’t lie to you,_ but hasn’t he? Haven’t _they?_ Hasn’t Gus always been under the impression that his fathers have been monogamous from the very beginning?

Justin then thinks to protest, _It was twenty years ago!_

Twenty years. It almost makes him laugh. How ridiculous! Has it really been that long? A hysterical hiccup of laughter almost bursts from him when he realises he can hardly even remember what Ethan looked like. There’s a vague impression, but it’s ghostly, and the more Justin tries to remember, the fainter the image becomes.

But he can’t say any of this, because Gus is yelling, and it’s so loud that the window-panes are practically shuddering in their frames. There are seeds of anxiety in Justin’s core, and one of them starts to grow.

As the smoke alarm starts blaring, it blossoms and bursts into full life.

Somehow, he manages to run into the kitchen and snatch the casserole dish out of the oven. The baked ziti has turned to burnt ziti, and plumes of smoke are flowing through the kitchen. Still, Gus is yelling.

“Tell me who it was! Why would you do this?! How could you?!”

Something within Justin snaps. He turns on Gus and snarls, “Shut the fuck up!”

Gus shrinks back like a wounded animal. Justin ignores it, turns his attention to the crisis in the kitchen, and tries to solve it. He has to get the stupid fucking smoke alarm to shut up. If the high-pitched beeping doesn’t stop soon, his anxiety will skyrocket.

Quick as lightning, Justin tosses the ruined dish into the sink and turns the faucet on. As the dark, singed crust sizzles under the cold water, he jumps up on the counter and reaches for the alarm. The reset button silences the beeping. Justin turns the fan on and the smoke starts to clear. He turns the oven off and curses himself when he sees the temperature was set way too high - he must have gotten distracted somehow. Still, with the crisis resolved, he feels marginally better.

Then he’s reminded of the other crisis. Gus is glaring at him from the corner with so much hatred in his gaze that Justin feels as though he’s been kicked.

“Who. Was. He?”

As Gus utters the ‘he’ with a hiss, the front door clicks open. The question hangs between them as Brian calls, “I’m home.”

“We’re in here,” Gus calls sharply. He stares Justin down until Brian joins them, then he turns on his father and announces, “Justin cheated on you.”

It’s then that Justin finds his voice, for the idea of Brian thinking he’s been unfaithful (again, after all this time!) is too painful to bear. “With Ethan!”

Then, realising how that _could_ sound, he adds desperately, “Not at all recently! Back… then!”

Brian laughs. He gives Justin a look of bemusement and shrugs. “Uh, okay. I’m aware of the timeline, Sunshine.”

“‘ _Sun_ shi-’? He cheated!” Gus squawks indignantly, looking helplessly confused as Brian pushes past him. “Dad, he _cheated!”_

“Twenty years ago,” Brian snaps, coiling an arm around Justin’s shoulders.

“Twenty years ago,” Justin whispers, simultaneously, as he caves into Brian’s embrace.

Gus’ eyes go wide. He blushes. As his face grows pink, he seems at a loss.

Brian presses a kiss to the side of Justin’s head; it’s a blend of protective and comforting, and it makes Justin’s head swim with relief. Then Brian directs a harsh stare at Gus and demands, “What the fuck started this delightful conversation?”

“He wanted to know what it was like for me to have only been with you,” Justin murmurs. He grabs Brian’s left hand and clings to it. “It caught me off-guard. And then he thought it meant that I’d…”

“Cheated,” Gus spits. “You’re a cheater.”

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Brian warns. “You don’t have any goddamned idea what you’re talking about.”

Tears spring into Gus’ eyes. “So tell me! Because I _thought_ you two were faithful to each other!”

“We are,” Brian and Justin say at once. Then Brian continues, “We weren’t always. Not in the way you’re thinking.”

“So you cheated too?!”

“We were in an open relationship.”

As Justin hears the words drip coolly from Brian’s lips, he winces. He clings tighter to Brian’s hand and watches, devastated, as Gus’ face falls.

With a sigh, Brian says, “Gus-”

“Shut up,” Gus snaps. He whips his hand up and brushes a few tears away, ones which he probably didn’t mean to let escape. “You’re disgusting. You’re both disgusting.”

Justin feels Brian flinch, but that’s all he feels, because then Gus says something that stops him dead.

“But you,” Gus spits, glaring at Justin through tear-filled eyes, “I never would have chosen a _cheat_ as my dad. So you’re not anymore. You’re not my dad. You’re nothing to me now. I fucking hate you.”

Then Gus turns and leaves. Justin is distantly aware of Brian shouting at him to _get the fuck back here right now,_ and Gus shouting back, _both of you leave me the hell alone,_ but it’s all background noise. He feels like throwing up. His heart is pounding, twisting, shredding in his chest.

“Justin,” Brian says softly, along with something else that’s probably intended to reassure him.

It doesn’t work. Justin falls apart.

With Gus’ words ringing in his ears, with his son _gone,_ he starts to cry.

*

When Justin breaks down, Brian feels like he might crumble as well. He, too, is wounded by Gus’ cruel words, but he can’t give into it. Not when Justin is sobbing into his chest with a kind of grief Brian hasn’t seen from him in years, if ever.

In the hours that follow, Brian tries everything. He takes Justin to bed and holds him, tight as he can, while Justin shakes in his arms. The force of his anguish terrifies Brian. He tries talking Justin through it - _he’s in shock, he wasn’t thinking, he didn’t mean it -_ but Justin refuses to hear it.

 _He hates me,_ Justin cries. _Why wouldn’t he?_

When all of his attempts prove fruitless, Brian does the only thing he can think to: he offers Justin a sleeping pill. The act of slipping the pill into Justin’s palm and helping him down it with a drink of water rattles up some déjà vu in Brian. They’ve been here before, years ago… as he watches Justin collapse into unconsciousness, it hits him. The breakdown over Babylon. He fed Justin a pill then, too, to calm him down. It’s as effective now as it was then, the only difference is the magnitude of Justin’s grief. He’s so much more distraught now than he was then.

As this realisation hits Brian, he switches from devastated to furious. He wraps himself protectively around his sleeping husband and stays there, fuming, wishing he’d done something more.

He ought to have chased after Gus and shaken some sense into the kid. No, not ‘kid’ - Gus is years removed from that category. At twenty-two, Gus ought to know better. Gus _does_ know better. He knew exactly what impact his cruelty would have on Justin. It was a move born from shock and hurt, sure, but his words were a calculated move to punish Justin.

Fuck. That.

Brian doesn’t sleep a wink. He stays curled around Justin, listening to his soft breathing, kissing him every so often, hoping that the comfort will find Justin even in the depths of sleep. He plans what he will say to Gus when he sees him next… he tries to talk himself down from his current lividness, which would drive him to say: _You ungrateful little asshole, take it all back and apologise or you’ll regret it._

He also tries to resist his own urge to punish Gus: to stop paying his tuition, to kick Gus out of the apartment Brian bought for him. Fucking hell, he’s turning into Craig Taylor - but right now that thought doesn’t bother him as much as it ought to.

Gus doesn’t know how lucky he has it. He’s never known. Maybe Melanie and Lindsay were right all this time… Brian loathes to consider it, but maybe he has been spoiling his son, and this is what has come of it. Gus thinks he can get away with murder. Well, not murder, but this seems to be almost in the same realm of malice.

Brian is still stewing over what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say, when Justin wakes drearily in his arms. It’s still early, the light outside is only dim, and Justin’s drab expression is a perfect match.

“Brian?”

“Hey.” Brian lifts himself up a little and hovers over Justin. “Morning, Sunshine.”

Justin blinks, frowns, and sighs. “It wasn’t a dream, was it? He really…”

“He didn’t mean it,” Brian says again, but it’s useless. There are no tears this time, but Justin looks completely crushed. Brian kisses him, but it does no good. Justin is motionless, flat. Brian squeezes his arm and murmurs, “I’ll make you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Justin protests, his voice hollow. Even as Brian gets out of bed, Justin insists, “Forget it.”

Then he turns over and hides his face in one of the pillows. Brian sits back down on the bed and brushes his hand up Justin’s side. Softly, he prompts, “Get some more rest.”

Justin only sighs in response. Brian doesn’t say anything more. He stays by his husband’s side, caressing him soothingly, until sleep has stolen him once again.

*

When Justin wakes again, he bolts upright - alarmed by a nightmare in which he relived those words over and over again.

_You’re not my dad. You’re nothing to me now. I fucking hate you._

He stares at the bright sun coming through the window until his eyes burn. Then he closes them, flops back down, and tries not to cry.

He only opens them when he smells hot, buttery toast with eggs and bacon. Despite his earlier refusal of the offer, Brian has made him breakfast. Justin sits up and tries to source a smile for his husband, but it’s useless. They sit in silence, picking at the food, Justin’s feet kept in Brian’s lap. That helps some, the way touching Brian always helps. Justin has always liked to think it could guide him through anything - a kiss, an embrace, their bodies joined - but right now it only offers measly comfort.

“I’m going out for a while,” Brian says. He doesn’t look at Justin, he stares into nothingness as he says it.

They both know where he’s going, so Justin doesn’t bother to ask. All he says is, “Don’t be mad at him. Can you really blame him?”

“Yeah,” Brian snaps, his eyes growing dark. “Yeah, I fucking can.”

*

Gus’ apartment is in one of those contentious borderline blocks, where the residents tend to bicker and argue as to whether it’s still the Upper East Side, or whether it’s Lower East Harlem. Gus sides with the latter and says it with no small amount of pride. His apartment is small and simple, but perhaps one of his greatest loves.

Brian always knew it would be. He had wanted to splash out and find something really nice for his son, but Justin protested: _Gus won’t want that. It’s not him._

It’s true. Brian would have killed for a fancy place in Manhattan in his early twenties, but Gus isn’t geared that way. He has more humble tastes. He probably would have refused Brian, had Brian tried to give him the key to something more glamorous. No, the tiny little hole in the wall in the plain, unassuming building is exactly right for Gus. And Ruby, too, which is honestly the only reason Brian isn’t showing up with a locksmith in tow. He’s still tempted to kick Gus out and teach him a lesson that way, but then where would Ruby go? Brian wouldn’t want to punish her for Gus’ mistake. She’s been through enough already.

So when he shows up, he shows up alone. He’s still angry, though, which he immediately makes known to the entire goddamned building by thumping loudly on the door. From next door, someone moans sleepily, “Dude, keep it down.”

“Fuck off,” Brian snaps back.

The door opens and Ruby peeks out. She offers him a small smile, which takes Brian’s anger down precisely half a notch.

“Hi,” she says. “Um… he’s not…”

“I know he’s in there,” Brian says. “Let me in.”

Suddenly, Gus hollers, “Don’t you dare come in here!”

“Who’s goddamned name is on the goddamned deed?” Brian notices Ruby flinch, and he cringes inwardly with guilt. He softens his voice and urges, “Ruby, let me in.”

She nods, closes the door, unlatches it properly, and then opens it wide. Brian steps in gently and touches her arm, a subtle gesture which he hopes she finds comforting. Then he slips her a twenty and prompts, “Go and get yourself a coffee.”

Then he drops any hint of niceness and storms into the bedroom.

“Get out,” Gus yells immediately. He’s balled up against the headboard with his knees hugged to his chest, like he used to do when he was a kid. Brian almost laughs, but that temptation is cut short when Gus shouts, “Ruby, how _could_ you?”

No response comes. Brian did hear the door click shut and lock, but whether she actually left or not is anyone’s guess. He wouldn’t put it past the girl to still be here, hidden, keeping watch.

But that doesn’t matter. As Brian stares at his son, he’s reminded of everything Gus said to Justin the night before.

_You’re not my dad. You’re nothing to me now. I fucking hate you._

The memory of the words is paired with the memory of Justin falling apart. As they ate breakfast together earlier, Brian had to choke down the food. How could he possibly have any hint of an appetite, when Justin’s eyes looked almost bruised from having cried so much?

His anger returns, molten inside him. Infuriated, Brian snarls, “Get the fuck out of bed, we need to talk.”

“Fuck off,” Gus snaps. “How does it feel to have spent your life with a _cheat?”_

Every time he says that word, he spits it like it’s poison. It feels strange to Brian, to see Gus’ pain so fresh. He hasn’t thought about Ethan or any of that bullshit in years. He does remember a time when the pain was new, when it seemed to have a life of its own… but that was so long ago. Now, when he thinks of it, there’s nothing. It’s simply an element of their past, one which is meaningless now.

Hell, it was basically meaningless as soon as they got back together. Now _that,_ Brian remembers as though it were yesterday. It’s a vivid memory of Justin being back in his arms, both of them laughing, their shared happiness warm and bright.

The contrast between that Justin and the one in his arms last night, the one who was torn apart with grief, makes Brian ache.

“Fuck _you,”_ Brian yells. He doesn’t actually mean to yell, it just happens. “How fucking dare you? How many times do we have to talk about this kind of shit, Gus? Don’t ask questions if you’re not ready to hear the answer! Stop acting so goddamned entitled and intrusive! How fucking hard is that for you to get?!”

Gus’ eyes go wide. He stammers, then shouts, “Why am I the one you’re mad at?”

“Do you seriously expect me to be mad at him?!”

“Yes! He’s a filthy fucking cheat-”

‘Filthy fucking cheat’ - Brian can’t believe it. Those cruel words fall so carelessly from Gus’ mouth, yet they drive into Brian like knives. He can’t stand that Justin has been reduced to those three ugly words, each of them uttered so callously. 

“Keep your mouth shut,” Brian snarls, cutting Gus short. He advances on the kid, to stand beside the bed, where he’s looming over his son. He has a sudden mental image of his own father, but even the graduation from Craig Taylor to Jack Kinney can’t pull him back. His fury is steadfast. “You’re going to keep quiet and listen, do you understand?”

He doesn’t give Gus the chance to respond.

“I get that you’re upset about what you found out, but you were way out of line last night. _Way_ out of line. You still are - how dare you talk about him like that? How fucking _dare_ you?!” Brian pauses for a moment, only because he catches sight of Ruby - she is still here, lingering just by the kitchen window, watching with big eyes. _That’s_ what pulls him back. Well, at least a little. Slightly calmer, he continues, “Yes, Justin cheated on me. He’s not ‘a cheat’. That was _twenty years ago,_ Gus, for fuck’s sake! And not that it’s any of your damn business, but he’s been faithful ever since.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Gus hisses. “I never would have-”

“Really?” Brian laughs (it’s a cruel sort of sound, he hates it). _“Really?_ You would have given up having Justin as your father because of one stupid mistake?”

“Was it one stupid mistake? Because I remember that name.” Gus narrows his eyes at Brian. “I know that name, ‘Ethan’. I don’t really remember how, I just do.”

Brian stares at his son evenly and admits, “Justin left me for him. They were together for a while.”

Gus goes pale. He sinks back against the headboard and stares at Brian. “How can you… how… I don’t understand. If Ruby ever cheated on me… if she _left_ me for…”

“I wouldn’t,” Ruby interjects. She touches Brian’s arm as she comes into the bedroom. Her face is pink, her eyes are downcast, and her long lashes are brushing her cheeks. Her embarrassment is matched perfectly with Brian’s realisation.

They’re together. Gus and Ruby.

Everyone has wondered for years, they’ve asked Gus, they’ve whispered behind his back… but the boy is secretive, and Ruby is as well. Nobody has ever been able to say with any certainty that the two lifelong best friends have become something more, but finally, Brian has their admission.

“I would never,” Ruby reiterates. She sits on the edge of the bed, midway between Brian and Gus, and her presence allows a little more calm to enter the room.

“Well,” Gus says bitterly, “That’s the difference between you and Justin.”

Then he pins Brian with an impossibly cold stare, and snaps, “He left you. He can go fuck himself. I want nothing to do with him ever again. Now get the fuck out and go tell him that. Or I will, I’ll text him right now, that fucking traitor-”

The mere thought cuts Brian to his core. It would destroy Justin, potentially beyond repair. Protectiveness overwhelms him: nobody hurts Justin like that, _nobody._

And so Brian says something he never thought he would say. It kills him, but he stares Gus down and says, “If you hurt him like that, I won’t ever be able to forgive you.”

Gus looks up from his phone in shock. “Dad…”

It comes out in a small, child-like murmur. Brian ignores the stab of guilt that hits him and continues, “I’ll always love you, but I can’t let you hurt him like that. It’ll kill him to lose you. He deserves better than that. You _are_ better than that.”

“He cheated on you,” Gus says again, still in that small voice, but oh-so-stubborn.

It’s as though he’s determined to cling to this newly discovered fact and cast Justin aside. For the life of him, Brian can’t understand it.

“Twenty fucking years ago,” Brian retorts.

“He left you!”

_“Twenty fucking years ago!”_

“It doesn’t matter, I never would have-!”

“Then you would have been wrong,” Brian snarls. “I chose him, didn’t I? We all chose him, all of us, your moms and the rest of the family. We didn’t let one mistake-”

“It wasn’t one mistake! One mistake would have been… ugh, kissing the guy! He… he ended up _leaving you…”_

“‘Ended up’? _We_ ‘ended up’ together!” Brian laughs - there’s that sound again, that he can’t stand, but he can’t stop it. “Gus, come on. This is ancient fucking history.”

Gus thumps the headboard with his fist and shouts, “Not to me!”

Ruby reaches for him and takes his hand. Brian watches as she smooths her fingers over the veins showing through his pale skin. Justin does that sometimes, it’s such a tender little gesture. He can see that it comforts Gus, which Gus clearly needs. It is new to him. It must be a shock, all of this new insight, and a hideous shock at that.

But along with comfort, Gus needs context. Brian braces himself as he prepares to confess.

“It is new to you,” he concedes, which Gus seems to appreciate. “If you… well, you were there, but you were too young… but if you were there now, you’d be pretty shocked by it all.”

“Yeah,” Gus snarks. “I bet.”

“By all of it,” Brian repeats. “Like how I treated him.”

He’s glad when he sees a spark in Gus’ eyes - a little flourish of intrigue paired with defensiveness. It clearly says: _What did you do to him?_

Brian didn’t really need convincing, but he’s relieved nonetheless to have it right there in front of him - evidence that Gus still loves Justin. Now if only he can find a path through Gus’ anger, through his thirst for vengeance, and make his way back to the kinder version of his son who adores his ‘Jus’.

He wonders, for a painful moment, what Gus might have turned out like if he’d been older at that time. What would it have been like for the boy to watch and learn from those versions of his fathers? If he could go back and witness it, would he even recognise them or their relationship?

“Things looked different then to how they do now,” Brian says. “We were different. I… I was different.”

It’s not easy to admit to, and Ruby must sense that; she touches Brian’s wrist, grazes it affectionately with the soft tips of her fingers. It pulls him back from the vicinity of Craig Taylor and Jack Kinney, back to his own self. Brian looks at the girl and she smiles at him - a subtle acknowledgment of his gratitude.

Sounding bewildered, Gus asks, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Ask Justin.” Brian gives Gus a pointed look. “Seriously, Gus - how can you even think of just cutting him out of your life? Talk to him. Ask him what happened. Hear him out.”

“I don’t want to,” Gus says, his jaw squaring and his eyes narrowing. “He makes me sick.”

“Tough shit - I’m not telling you anything. In fact, I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth until you’ve spoken to him.”

At that, Gus looks utterly stunned. Brian feels wretched for rejecting his son in this way, but he refuses to back down, so he shrugs at him and says, “It’s your call.”

Before he leaves, he glances at Ruby. She gives him a small nod that reads as a promise - a vow to help. Brian notes silently to thank her properly later.

Then he leaves.

*

When Brian gets home, Justin is lying on the couch, staring vacantly at the TV. Smatters of light are spilling from the screen, across the room, and over Justin’s still form. Brian tosses his keys down, kicks off his shoes, and goes to join him. He’s come prepared with food - surely Justin’s appetite must have returned by now.

“What are we watching?” He asks, as he offers Justin a tub of spring rolls.

Justin shrugs as he opens up the tub. “Whatever you want. Remote’s right there.”

Brian tries to squash his disappointment at Justin’s lifeless tone. He can’t fault his husband - it would likely kill Brian if Gus had tried to disown him. There’s a part of him that worries that Gus will… but no, the kid isn’t _that_ cruel, nor is he that reckless. Plus, Gus’ endless thirst for knowledge will keep him at their door. In referencing their past, Brian has scattered a trail of breadcrumbs that will lead the boy right back to Justin.

And if that fails, there’s Ruby. She’ll sort Gus out.

Feeling marginally better, Brian decides to work on comforting Justin. He picks up the remote and flicks to the classics channel. As luck would have it, _Peeping Tom_ is playing - one of Justin’s favourites. Then he lifts Justin’s feet and brings them into his lap.

“Eat something,” he urges. “You’ll feel better.”

Justin complies and nibbles at one of the spring rolls. Brian steals one and takes a bite. After a moment, Justin murmurs, “I’ll feel better when this is fixed.”

“Give him time,” Brian says. He squeezes Justin’s foot. “He’ll come around.”

*

Justin doesn’t believe Brian when he says Gus will come around. He also isn’t too pleased with being force-fed lunch and dinner that day, nor breakfast the next day, nor being walked to his studio as though he’s a small child in need of supervision.

Of course, he knows that Brian means well and is trying to help, but Justin doesn’t want to be helped. He’d much rather give into his shitty mood and stay at home all day, where he might lose himself in reruns, or where he could simply curl up in bed and hide.

But he’s at his studio and Brian promises to be back at lunch, so Justin figures he might as well just stay put. He can’t work, though. He’s too drained to summon even the slightest hint of creative energy. Instead, he lies on top of his workbench and retraces his steps.

If only he had told Gus sooner, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe when Gus was… how old?... when is the right time to tell a kid something like this?... eighteen, nineteen, twenty? And how to factor in attitude alongside age? Gus’ inherent inclination towards monogamy surely has to be considered. So where does that leave things?

If only he had brought this kind of stuff up when they were giving Gus ‘the talk’ all those years ago, perhaps he could have laid the groundwork: _Some people have non-monogamous relationships, Gussy (e.g.: your father and I). Some people fuck up and cheat on their boyfriend, and leave said boyfriend for someone totally unworthy…_

Christ, how is he back here? He remembers having this conversation with himself over and over again when he was nineteen. How ludicrous to have to return to it twenty years after the fact!

He still can’t remember what Ethan looked like. It’s Daph’s fault, really it is. Years of mockery and referring to Ethan only as ‘Soul Patch’ have left Justin with little memory of the actual person, and only a ridiculous memory of said soul patch.

Fucking Daphne. Fucking _Ethan._ Fucking Gus!

Justin huffs and glances at his watch. It’s just gone eleven. He’s been angsting over some teenaged mistake he made with a faceless memory for _three hours._ What the fuck is going on?

He stops retracing his steps and focuses on the present. How can he possibly make this right? How can he get Gus to forgive him? Understand him? To love him again?

Justin’s hopeless angsting is interrupted by a knock at the door. He half-sighs, half-laughs to think that Brian couldn’t even wait until twelve for their lunch date. Is he that worried? Well, probably. Justin sure is. His stomach is tied up into knots that seem to be held together with superglue. Seeing Brian will make it better, hopefully. He smiles a little as he imagines throwing open the door and lunging into Brian’s arms in search of comfort.

But when he opens the door, Gus is there. Justin freezes. He half expects Gus to hit him and almost recoils to avoid it. But then he catches the look on Gus’ face - the kid looks guilty as hell.

“Gus wants to speak to you,” Ruby pipes up, from partway down the hall. Justin peers around the doorframe to look at her. She smiles her kind little smile, then ducks into the stairwell.

Sounding much less enthusiastic, Gus mutters, “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Justin steps aside and lets Gus in. “Let’s talk.”

Gus sighs a dreary sigh and drags his feet as he enters the studio. He chucks his satchel into the corner, just like he would any other day, and then lifts himself up onto the workbench. As he sits there, legs kicking idly against the wood, he mumbles, “Dad and Ruby want me to ask you about it.”

“About Ethan?”

“Yes,” Gus snaps. He narrows his eyes. “About _him.”_

Justin tries to think of where, exactly, to start. As he’s thinking, Gus lets out another little snarl: “Are you gonna come sit with me or what?”

Without a moment’s pause, Justin rushes to Gus side. He pulls himself up onto the workbench but keeps a decent amount of distance, out of respect for the kid.

“So, tell me about your _other_ boyfriend.” Gus huffs. “The one I only found out about _yesterday.”_

Those words are spat out so accusingly that Justin can’t help but flinch. Yet, the bitterness in Gus’ tone helps him to figure out where to start.

“Ethan was a mistake,” he begins, as Gus’ feet keep thumping rhythmically against the solid wood of the bench. “I met him during a… complicated… time in my life and I fell for him. I left Brian for a while, but eventually Ethan and I broke up.”

“So you left Dad for him, then you left him for Dad?”

“It’s not that simple.” Justin sighs and tries to think back to that time. “I… I wanted to be with your dad again, that’s true. I still loved him and I’d been missing what we had. But I didn’t leave Ethan for him. I left Ethan for me.”

“What does that mean?”

“He cheated on me, which… well, I guess I deserved in a way. Karma and all of that bullshit. But he was also wrong for me in a million other ways. I wouldn’t have been happy with him. I had to leave for my own sake.”

“Did you love him?”

“In a way. For a while.” Justin watches Gus’ face carefully as he speaks. He wants to look away to miss the flashes of hurt, but he figures he deserves them, too. “Not like I loved - _love -_ Brian. Never like that.”

Gus’ jaw clenches. He glances out the window and mutters, “Dad said something about how he treated you.”

“Well, Ethan never really-”

“Not _him,_ him. Dad. How Dad treated you.”

That takes Justin by surprise. He shifts uncomfortably and fumbles a little as he says, “We were… I… it wasn’t working.”

“That’s awfully fucking vague.”

“Come on, Gus, I-”

“I want to know!”

“I’m not going to blame your father for-”

_“Tell. Me.”_

“He wouldn’t tell me he loved me,” Justin blurts out.

The confession takes him twenty years back, to when he longed to hear the actual words, and their absence plagued him with loneliness and disappointment. There is such a sharp sense of contrast between then and now, when they share the words often, so much so that those words seem to be a part of them and their relationship.

But they weren’t always. Justin clears his throat and tries to explain, “He showed me, all the time, in a million different ways. But I was struggling and I needed something more… more literal, more concrete. And he didn’t believe in that, or he wouldn’t… or couldn’t, I don’t know. It hurt. It was isolating and frustrating, and I… I had an idea of what love was supposed to be, and that wasn’t it. Ethan… Ethan was it. He was a match for the picture-perfect idea I had in my head. But it was never as meaningful as I wanted it to be. What I had with him… it was a lot of grand but essentially empty gestures that distracted me from seeing that we weren’t right for each other.”

After all that rambling, he stops and looks at Gus. The expression on Gus’ face is almost comical - his eyebrows have shot up to where his hair falls over his forehead, and his mouth is held in a grim little line. Slowly and severely, he questions, “Dad wouldn’t tell you he loved you?”

“Not until you were five,” Justin admits.

“Are you _fucking kidding me?”_ Gus gapes at Justin. “That _asshole,_ what the _fu-”_

“He didn’t literally say it,” Justin interjects. “But there were plenty of ways he expressed it.”

“Like _what?!”_

“Like…” Justin smiles. It’s a foreign feeling after having been so distraught. He thinks of all the ways Brian would show his love, and his smile grows. He runs through each and every manifestation he can think of, and with each uttering, Gus seems to calm down a fraction.

“Well,” Gus mutters, his lip curled, “That’s something, I s’pose.”

“I’m not trying to blame him. I shouldn’t have cheated on him.”

“Or left him.”

That gives Justin pause. Gus, of course, picks up on it and demands hotly, “Are you _proud_ of having left him?”

The nasty edge to Gus’ voice makes Justin wince. He has spent all day going back through his past, jumping back by decades, and the journey has been excruciating. He wishes he could jump back elsewhere: perhaps to when Gus was little and looked at Justin with seemingly infinite adoration. He tries to conjure an image of that but it doesn’t do much good - in fact, it hurts, to see the difference between that Gus and this one.

Angrily, Gus continues, “Are you _okay_ with that? Because I’m not.”

“I wouldn’t put it that way. I’m not proud of how it happened. But I think we needed time apart.” Justin meets Gus’ angry gaze evenly and says, “I know it hurts you that we broke up… repeatedly, in fact. But each and every time we split served a purpose, in the end. What matters is we figured our shit out. We found our way back to each other.”

He finds himself re-tracing again: all of their issues, their numerous splits, their back catalogue of pain and heartbreak. Without necessarily meaning to, Justin muses aloud, “I think we always would have.”

“Would have what?”

“Found our way back to each other. I don’t mean, like… in a ‘soul mate’ way…”

“Gross,” Gus mutters.

“Yeah,” Justin laughs. “I’m not talking about cosmic destiny or fates aligning, or any of that shit. But I do believe there are people you belong with, and I belong with Brian. And for all of Ethan’s failings… and even though we were fundamentally incompatible… he did something good, albeit inadvertently. He helped me realise what I really wanted.”

In a vitriolic tone, Gus drawls, “Yippee. _Thanks,_ Ethan.”

Despite Gus’ vitriol, Justin senses a shift in the atmosphere. Gus is calmer now and more open to Justin’s presence. Justin decides to test it by reaching for Gus’ hand. To his delight, Gus allows him to take it.

“I’m sorry,” Justin says softly. “I’m so sorry, Gus. I hate that I hurt you.”

Gus looks away, obscuring his face. Still, he lets Justin keep hold of his hand. After a moment, he murmurs, “It’s just so different to what I imagined. It’s like… how I saw you guys when I was little, it was like you were perfect. I figured you’d always been together, that you always would-”

“We will be,” Justin cuts in, with determination. “I mean that, Gus. I can’t imagine any alternative. I wouldn’t want to.”

“But the cheating, and the break-ups…” Gus gulps, as though he’s struggling to keep from crying. “I thought you guys were the good ones. You never fought like moms fought, you didn’t break up randomly or sleep in separate rooms when things got tough… but none of that was true, was it? You just hid it from me, which I get, but I wish it had stayed hidden. Or maybe I wish you’d been honest from the start, I don’t know. And the thought of you being with other people, I… I feel sick about it…”

“I…” Justin sighs. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t take it back. What happened with Ethan happened. And we - your dad and I - weren’t always exclusive. We had a different kind of relationship for a very long time.”

They lapse into an awful silence, where Gus keeps looking away and trying not to cry, while Justin remains lost. What can he say? What can he do?

Then, he remembers a conversation with Daph from years ago. She had asked him: _How many guys have you been with?_ And, drunkenly, they had laughed over the unknown - unknowable! - number. Then she surprised him by saying: _You’ve only really_ _been_ _with Brian, though, right?_

When he thought about it, the answer was yes. Nobody else has ever compared to Brian. At one stage in their relationship, those comparisons were often based on technique - after all, who was better than Brian Kinney? Over the years, though, the comparisons evolved. Sex with Brian is completely different to sex with anyone else. During the extensive analysis that he and Daph conducted that night, Justin ended up making a conclusion that he’d probably known subconsciously for years. Being with Brian _is_ another experience entirely, in so many different ways - there’s so much more meaning, so much more intimacy. There exists a connection that has never come close to being rivalled.

He thought ‘making love’ with Ethan was all of those things, but it wasn’t. On the surface, at the time, it may have seemed that way… but what he has with Brian does more than scratch the surface. There’s something marvellously deep and lasting there.

And so he tells Gus this. The results are mixed: Gus looks torn between being reassured and being downright disgusted. At the end of it, he mutters, “Okay, okay. I get it. Enough TMI, alright? Message received.”

The atmosphere continues to shift in the right direction. Justin smiles at Gus and squeezes his hand. Gus doesn’t exactly return the smile, but the corners of his mouth lift fractionally.

Bravely, Justin asks, “Are we okay?”

“I guess so. Y’know, Dad and Ruby were right. About me talking to you.” Gus moves towards Justin a little and links their fingers more tightly. “I don’t want to lose you, Jus. I never really did. I didn’t actually mean what I said.”

“Then you shouldn’t have said it.” Justin swallows to keep the lump in his throat from rising. “Maybe it was a fair trade for me having hurt you, but… it _really_ hurt. I can’t bear the idea of losing you, Gussy.”

“Then stop calling me ‘Gussy’,” Gus snarks, and there it is: the atmosphere is back to where it should be. Justin laughs with relief, and as he does so, Gus sags against him and they embrace.

“I love you so much,” Justin whispers. He kisses the top of Gus’ head. “You know that, right?”

“I know,” Gus mumbles. “I love you, too.”

Then he buries his face against Justin’s shoulder and whispers, “You’ll always be my dad. You always were.”

Justin closes his eyes to stop any more tears from falling. He worries that if he starts to cry, he won’t be able to stop.

Fortunately, a distraction comes in the form of Brian’s key turning in the lock. Justin doesn’t look up, but he does hear the door swing open, and then he feels Brian’s arms wrap around the both of them.

“I love you guys,” Gus says, his voice catching on the ‘love’ and breaking on the ‘you’.

“We love you,” Brian responds. Justin tilts his head up and hides his face in the warm curve of Brian’s neck. Then, and only then, does he allow a few tears to fall.

*

Mere hours later, they’ve returned to normality - sort of. Justin still feels shaken by the whole incident, and he can see Gus and Brian are similarly affected. But still, they soldier on. After their reunion at the studio, they head home and hang out there. They watch a movie, huddled on the couch, all leaning against each other. Justin holds Brian’s hand and refuses to let go. Later, they get dinner ready and then sit down to enjoy it as a family. They’re one again, even if the wounds have yet to heal entirely.

As Justin pours himself and Brian another glass of wine, he says, “Gussy, can I ask you something?”

With a small smile, Gus replies, “Sure, Jus.”

Justin glances conspiratorially at Brian, who grins back at him. Justin smothers his own smile and asks, most seriously, “You asked what it was like for me to only have been with one person… but you knew that wasn’t true.”

“Uh, I thought it was,” Gus retorts with a scowl as he jams a spoonful of icecream into his mouth. “Can we please let that go? I’m over it, or as over it as I can be at this stage.”

“But,” Justin protests, “You had to know that wasn’t true. We told you about Daphne.”

Now, he can’t help but grin. Brian starts snickering, while Gus looks mortified.

“That’s because I’ve spent years trying to repress the memory of finding that out! Ugh!” Gus jumps up and grabs his satchel from the kitchen counter. “Thanks for a _lovely evening.”_

Then, after a pause, he clarifies, “It was actually lovely until you started in on traumatic memories of you fucking your sister, Justin.”

“She’s not my actual-”

“She’s as good as!” Gus slings his satchel over his shoulder. Shaking his head, he mumbles, “I’ve gotta go.”

Evilly, Brian inquires, “To see your girlfriend?”

Gus turns and gives Brian a filthy look. “Don’t start in on that. It’s none of your business.”

Justin and Brian exchange a look, as though to say, _How exactly…?_

Gus notices and huffs, “It’s private! It’s… whatever! Just leave it be. But yeah, I’m going home and my girlfriend will be there, so… whatever.”

So they’ll have to leave it there, for now, apparently. Justin gives Brian a shrug, and then they both stand up and walk Gus to the front door. After he opens it, Gus turns and says softly, “Can I see you guys tomorrow? For lunch or something?”

“Sure,” Brian says. He leans in and kisses Gus’ forehead. “Stay out of trouble, okay?”

“You stay out of trouble,” Gus snipes. He looks at Justin, smiles a little, then lunges in and seizes Justin in a tight hug.

“Love you,” Justin whispers. He rocks Gus a little, the way he always used to when Gus was tiny.

Gus sighs and squeezes Justin. “Love you too.”

When he goes, they watch as he descends into the stairwell. Just before he disappears out of sight, Gus turns and waves at them. It warms Justin and stitches the wounds back together a little more securely. Then Gus disappears, and Brian closes the door and fixes the locks.

As the last lock clicks into place, Justin sags against the wall. He meets Brian’s tender gaze with a small smile. “You were right. He came around, and pretty quickly at that.”

Brian smiles and nods. “I think we have Ruby to thank for that.”

“And you.” Justin reaches out and tugs on Brian’s shirt, pulling him close. “C’mere.”

He sighs as Brian gathers him into his arms. It’s the only place Justin wants to be right now. He sinks into it, his ultimate safe space.

They stay that way for a while, quietly embracing. The silence is broken when Brian whispers, “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“The open relationship stuff. Did he say anything…?”

“Nothing good.” Justin lifts his head and stares at Brian. “I need you to promise me something.”

“Hmm?”

“That we will never,” Justin lets out a soft burst of laughter, “Tell him about the back room at Babylon.”

Brian starts shaking with laughter. “Yeah, let’s keep that to ourselves.”

It’s a relief to laugh like this; it’s certainly easier than admitting to Brian, _our former lifestyle makes our son feel sick._ Justin tries not to think about it. Instead, he leans into Brian and enjoys the sound and sensation of their shared laughter. Then, feeling better still, Justin grins, grabs Brian, and starts leading him down the hallway to their bedroom. “I mean, I’m all for honesty… and maybe we should have told him some of that stuff sooner… but there is no way in hell that he’s ready to know about even half of the shit we used to get up to. He really doesn’t need to know.” 

“He really doesn’t have any right,” Brian says snarkily. “If there’s one thing I wish I could get through to him, it’s that he’s not entitled to every piece of information under the goddamned sun.”

“About you and Ruby getting him to talk to me… I don’t know what she did, but you didn’t have to-”

“Sure I did,” Brian says bluntly. He stares at Justin as though he’s gone insane. “Did you think I was going to let Gus get away with hurting you like that?”

“He’s your son, I would have understood-”

“You’re my partner.” Brian grabs Justin’s hips and manoeuvres them to a different position; Justin thrown onto his back and Brian on top of him. “Like hell am I going to let anyone treat you like that. And he’s _our_ son.”

“Yeah, but…” Justin sighs, “He could have abandoned us both. Not permanently, but for a while-”

“Three weeks,” Brian states bluntly. “He wouldn’t last longer than that.”

“Three weeks?”

“Three weeks.”

Brian’s assuredness is impressive. Justin smiles at him, then notes with interest, “And somehow Ruby got that down to a day.”

Brian exhales softly. “I didn’t see that coming. I knew she’d help, but she really knocked it out of the park.”

“What do you think the story is there?”

“Beats me.”

They exchange another look of confusion momentarily, but then Brian shrugs and says, “We’ll figure that out later. Now, on to more important matters…”

Then he dips his head down and touches his lips to Justin’s neck. The gentle kiss makes Justin shiver with delight. He leans into it as the kisses continue, each of which sparks a thrill in his core that spreads, creating a warmth that lives between them.

He thinks of whispering  _I love you,_ but they both already know that. There will be other moments when he can speak those words out loud; for now, Justin enjoys this moment for what it is: healing, happy, and hopeful.

  
**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> I promise that Gus and Ruby's sides to this story will be told, too. I was tempted to include that within this fic, but it seemed like a detour. Ultimately I decided to focus on Brian and Justin in this fic, while Gus and Ruby will have their own at a later stage.
> 
> Also, thank you to my readers for their ongoing encouragement and support - it means an awful lot to me and I'm very grateful :) Lots of love to you all! <3


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